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We Can Prevent Child Abuse Together

April 18th, 2022

In the United States, National Child Abuse Prevention Month is annually observed throughout the month of April. It is a critical time to raise awareness of our nation’s child abuse crisis. The statistics remain overwhelmingly alarming that one in four girls — and one in six boys — will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday. Most victims suffer in silence as it is estimated that more than 90 percent of abuse victims never report what happened to them. Even more disturbing is that more than 90 percent of perpetrators are someone an abused child knows and trusts – a coach, camp counselor, teacher, someone in their faith community, or a family member.

This month child safety advocates across the state and nation are urging communities to come together to make a difference. We ask that parents and caregivers “Have the Conversation” with their children, their family, and friends about sexual abuse, and begin to talk with young children about body safety. This includes which parts of their bodies are private, not to be touched by anyone, and reminding them they need to immediately tell an adult they trust if someone has touched them inappropriately. As children get older, these conversations can evolve into discussions about personal privacy, online safety, and consent. By starting these discussions when children are young, and having them often, parents and caregivers can open the gateway to communication about all types of “difficult” topics across the span of a child’s development into an adult.

If child victims disclose their sexual abuse, most often it is to a safe adult who is obligated by law to report it, and that adult is known as a mandated reporter. Mandated reporters in Massachusetts include a wide range of professionals, most notably, teachers, coaches, therapists, and guidance counselors. As the child advocacy center for Cape Cod and the Islands, we work with our multidisciplinary partners to respond to these disclosures and provide compassionate, comprehensive, and collaborative response services at no cost to survivors of child abuse. Collectively we utilize our evidence-based programs, network of community partnerships, educational outreach, and awareness efforts to empower survivors, promote healthy outcomes, and help mitigate the stigma of child abuse.

We can make a strong impact in the prevention, early recognition, and coordinated response to child sexual abuse on Cape Cod, Nantucket, and Martha’s Vineyard. We can do this by working together to help parents learn how to break the stigma of talking about child sexual abuse. Let’s teach children about body safety and foster healthy communication between children and their parents about difficult subjects.  Our community should offer regular and ongoing training for professionals who work with children to help them effectively recognize and respond to someone who may have been abused. And we can ask organizations who serve children to institute effective policies and procedures mandating such training and instituting rigorous hiring practices.

As a community, we need to provide a safe environment for all children in our public spaces, in schools and in organizations that serve children.  Our first step in achieving this level of safety is for everyone to make preventing sexual abuse a priority. For too long, sexual abuse has been a taboo subject hidden in the shadows, increasing the likelihood of the victimization of children.  It is not easy to identify a predator in the community, at work, or even in one’s home, as they are most often people we know and trust. However, we can work together to reduce the instances where that predator is able to take advantage of a child.

The more we bring these discussions to light, the closer we will be to a community where children are free of abuse, have a voice that is heard, and where they enjoy healthy, safe, and empowered lives.

If you have a concern that a child isn’t safe, or may need help, please click here to find the next steps to get someone support.

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Parents, how are you doing, really?

March 18th, 2022

Over the last few months during conversations with parents, community partners and associates, when asking how someone is, the response has been “I’m doing fine” or “I’m hanging in there” or “we’re making it.” And, in a manner of speaking those answers are pretty accurate. Think about it, no one wants to say out loud (even if it’s true) “oh, you know, white knuckling it through the day, just hoping I make it through.”

There is a special and certain kind of sacrifice parents make in life, at times being completely terrified, distraught, enraged, confused or just plain exhausted, and not feeling as though they can show it. The fear of how these emotional expressions may impact their children often has parents shoulder these burdens silently. The past two years have been filled with unprecedented events for this generation. Covid-19, economic impacts associated with loss or changes in jobs, inflation, intense political discourse, and a war raging in Europe are just some of the issues reported by media outlets and on social media 24 hours a day. For parents, all of this is amplified by the stress of figuring out how to have the dreaded “how do I talk to my kids about this?” conversation.

Over the last couple of years, Children’s Cove is one of many organizations which has offered ways parents can help navigate these discussions. There is a lot of incredible information, conversational prompts, supports and resources for children of all ages. However, there is a reason airline safety rules instruct adults to put the oxygen mask on first before helping a child: if you can’t breathe, you can’t help. If you aren’t caring for yourself, you aren’t able to care as well for your child. Let’s take a minute to talk about some ways you can take care of yourself. So, let’s start again with a different question.

Parents, how are you taking care of yourself?

Are you being compassionate and patient with yourself (and others)?

There is only so much energy a person has to give every day where you can be truly present. Accepting this is healthy – know it’s okay to have limits, that you don’t have to do everything all at once.

It’s okay if you are not able to fold that last batch of laundry.
It’s okay that dinner is going to be takeout, or microwaved, or leftovers some nights.
It’s okay that the bedtime story you read to your kids is a short one so you can quickly get it over.
Remind yourself you are human, and not perfect. Be kind and compassion to make choices to take care of yourself. Be patient with others if they need to make some of those choices too.

Are you “going down the rabbit hole?”

With access to excessive information, it can be tempting or even sometimes too easy, to “go down the rabbit hole” on a social media site, binge YouTube videos, or consume online articles about the latest issue or catastrophe. While this may be informative, interesting or a great escape, is it serving your immediate needs? Remember, you have a limited amount of time each day and where you direct your energy matters.

Have you done something just for yourself?

Practical self-care is something you do, not something you take. While the kale smoothies and health food (or carton of ice cream) can give a nice boost, true self-care is an activity you enjoy. Going for a walk, reading a book, starting a puzzle, getting out an old sketch book: something just for you. As a parent the feeling of loss of “self” is common. Over an extended period of reacting and adapting, it may be a more common feeling than you think. Rediscover something you enjoy and start again.

Are you letting your partner, spouse, or non-work friends know how you’re really doing?

Talk. Talk about how you are feeling. Be honest and have candid conversations. The more you fill up, the more likely these feelings will overwhelm you and spill out in ways you do no want them to. Schedule a call with a friend, find time to talk with your partner or spouse away from the kids or a professional who can listen supportively.

Are you sleeping enough?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who has time to sleep? While your “alone” or even “together” time is important, sleep is also important to regenerate your body, mind, and energy. A lack of sleep can lead to additional challenges, such as irritability, susceptibility to illness, forgetfulness, and challenges with mental health.

These are just a handful of suggestions to start thinking about better self-care. If you aren’t caring for yourself, you aren’t able to care as well for your child. Remember, children watch and absorb everything you do, even the stubborn teenage ones. By making time to practice self-care, you are giving yourself a better version of you and role modeling a healthy lifestyle for your children.

If you need some support as a parent, there are local resources available

• The Samaritans of Cape Cod & The Islands: 800.893.9900
• Cape Cod Family Resource Center:  508.815.5100
• Bay Cove Human Services:  833.229.2683
• Nantucket Emergency Mental Health Services: 877.784.6273
• Nantucket Family Resource Center: 508.815.5115
• Cape Cod Children’s Place:  508.240.3310
• Martha’s Vineyard Family Resource Center: 508.693.7900
• Martha’s Vineyard Mental Health crisis: 508.693.0032

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Why You Need to Have the Conversation: Children are No Match for Predators

February 22, 2022

We would prefer to think that perpetrators of child sexual abuse are easily spotted on the edges of society, people who stand out or seem uncomfortable; people we don’t know. We tell our children to not talk to strangers and remind them that if you don’t know someone in real life or online, not to share any personal information. And while these lessons are important to teach, the truth is that perpetrators of child sexual abuse are rarely the man with the van in the trench coat. In fact, they look “normal.” Studies show that 90% of victims know their abusers – they are family, close friends, teachers, daycare staff, coaches, and members of the faith community. Simply put, abusers are most often those we trust our children with on a daily basis.

Four years ago, Larry Nasser made headlines. He was a nationally known doctor for the United States women’s Olympic gymnastics team, while at the same time a serial child rapist who used his position of power and trust to sexually abuse and assault hundreds of girls and young women. Through social media and the news, millions of Americans heard from dozens of his victims and the trauma it made in their lives. Last year we discussed the more than 92,000 sexual abuse claims made against the Boy Scouts of America, and the Diocese of Fall River of the Catholic Church releasing the names and assignments of 75 clergy members accused of child sexual abuse going back 70 years. We’ve seen in recent years the harm caused by allegations of sexual abuse and inappropriate conduct of teachers in our own community.

On February 10, 2022, a child psychologist in Danvers, Massachusetts was arrested after a contractor stumbled upon a secret space in the building he resided where he allegedly kept hundreds of images of child sexual abuse material. As a part of the initial investigation, there appears to be considerable evidence of his involvement in the ownership of the material. While the presumption of innocence exists until someone is proven guilty, it is so disturbing that a child psychologist would own child pornography.

What all these cases highlight is that it is those with the most trust, power, status, or celebrity who abuse children. Perpetrators groom not only children, but the environment, parents and caregivers, neighbors, and coworkers around them. The manipulation of the predator is often why, after an initial accusation, many will respond with disbelief, and shock, even fight to defend the abuser because, if true, the deception is incredibly hurtful and horrific.

Perpetrators of abuse are cunning, smart, patient, and watch carefully and quietly; they look for vulnerable children. Vulnerability is more than just age, size, and gender identity; it’s looking to see if a child’s parents are always working, is the child getting enough attention, does a child have a disability, feel like an outcast, or do they have overly trusting parents? These are examples of what predators look for and what they consider an easy opportunity.

In recorded interviews,  perpetrators of abuse discussed very openly with Oprah Winfrey how they gained trust and took advantage of children (this video is very detailed, and disturbing, please be advised). Individuals who abuse children think differently than those who don’t. Very often, they do not believe what they are doing is wrong to the child, but that it is simply shunned by society. Corey Jewell Jensen, M.S, who has worked with sex offenders for more than 35 years, details the way in which perpetrators of abuse groom the environment, parents and children of those victimized and justify their behavior.

Unfortunately, when faced with the reality of the cunning grooming practices of predators, we need to acknowledge that young children are no match for those who seek to sexually abuse a child. This is why at Children’s Cove, we often advocate that parents “Have the Conversation.” There’s no perfect time or age to speak with your children about body safety. Instead, it should be part of regular, ongoing conversation from a child’s early years through their teens.

We talk with our children about so many important safety topics, including fire, water, street, and car safety. Let body safety be another topic you introduce. To learn more about how to have the conversation about body safety visit our page here.

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