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Parental Resilience and the Holiday Spirit

December 16, 2022

Each year, the holiday season seems to be celebrated earlier and earlier. Perhaps it is the need for brightness and joy, or the longing for connection and family. For children of all ages, it gives time for pause, celebration, and time shared with family for those all-important gift exchanges or cultural celebrations. However, it can also be a time of incredible stress for parents. And for those who have experienced trauma, or other challenges in their lives, stresses can feel heavier, and the holidays may seem more like a burden than a blessing.

At Children’s Cove we work closely with Cape Cod Children’s Place, an early learning center, family resource center, and the recipient of the Stop Abuse For Every child (SAFE) grant from the Children’s Trust. We work collaboratively to provide resources and support to parents raising children of all ages to prevent abuse and coordinate supportive services for those in our community who may have experienced trauma.

An additional part of our community engagement outreach work is to help families understand the 5 Protective Factors to strengthen families.  For the holidays, we thought we would focus on one component of the five factors – Parental Resilience.

The holiday season is a testing ground for many parents in the lessons of resilience, and it has nothing to do with toys or shopping lists. The end of the year, bills, expectations from children, encounters with family – both good and not so great, crunch time with jobs, sports and school, or our own histories of trauma, can make this time of year unbelievably challenging. So, it is paramount that a parent develops skills to manage their stress.

We asked our community partner Cindy Horgan, Executive Director of Cape Cod Children’s Place, and member of our Advisory Council, to provide some thoughts about parental resilience, and the ways parents can navigate this difficult time of year. Here are some thoughts Cindy shared with us:

This holiday season we hope that all parents remember, you are doing the best you can. Do not let expectations, real or imagined, take away from the incredible moments you can share with your family this year. And, if you need resources to help promote self-love, self-kindness, and self-care, there is a community here to support you.

Happy Holidays from the teams at Children’s Cove and Cape Cod Children’s Place!

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25 Years of Hope and Healing

November 15th, 2022

Children’s Cove, the Cape & Islands Child Advocacy Center, started in a little room at the Barnstable County Courthouse. Before that, children who were victims of a sexual assault did not have privacy when they were interviewed by law enforcement, social workers, or medical professionals, and often needed to repeat their stories of trauma.  In addition, the overall atmosphere of seeing people in orange suits from the county jail and police officers with guns on their side, terrified them.

The Cape and Islands District Attorney at that time, Phillip Rollins, could not tolerate seeing children who had experienced sexual trauma in the courthouse. He had compassion for the young victims and believed there should be other avenues to help them.

So, in 1997, a small group of community leaders, including the District Attorney’s Office and Barnstable County Commissioners, sat down and discussed how to better support children who experienced the trauma of sexual assault. They understood that the law enforcement system, at the time, was not designed for children. They decided to establish the first Cape and Islands Children’s Advocacy Center, which evolved into Children’s Cove.

Children’s Cove is the place where children in their darkest hours receive child friendly comprehensive specialized services, where they are treated with kindness, compassion, and understanding. It is a place where their voice is heard. Over the last twenty-five years, Children’s Cove has helped thousands of survivors of child sexual abuse by providing them access to services and community support to help them not only recover from their trauma, but to thrive.

As a nationally accredited center, Children’s Cove stands with over 900 child advocacy centers across the country and 12 centers in the Commonwealth, who share the collective mission to protect children. Our staff has created a collaborative multidisciplinary response to crimes against children. Because of the collective work of Children’s Cove and its partners, children have a team to stand beside them as the healing process begins.

It is those collaborative partnerships that will continue to enhance services for children who are victims of sexual trauma. Our trusted partners include the Cape & Islands law enforcement agencies, the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families, the Cape & Islands District Attorney’s Office, the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, the Massachusetts Pediatric Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners Program, the Massachusetts Department of Mental Health, the Massachusetts Children’s Alliance, and numerous community programs.

While the public health crisis of childhood sexual abuse and trauma is an epidemic we wish to eradicate, until we reach that fateful day, we will not waiver from our goal to increase comprehensive services to address the crisis.

Because of this commitment, we would like to highlight our planned expansion of programs, services, and physical space to make room for exciting initiatives.

As requests for prevention education from parents, community members and professional partners are at an all-time high, we decided to expand our community outreach program, and create an online learning program at no cost to our multidisciplinary partners.

Over the last year, our direct services program has added two new forensic interviewers. We also expanded our child exploitation program coordination to address the risks of those greatest in need. These additions were necessary as we experienced an over 80% increase in referrals for children who have been sexually exploited online or directly in our community since the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic.

In fact, we had a record number of referrals this year – over 230 children receiving services, which is an increase of nearly 50% from last year, and more than double those seen in the previous year. The increase in referrals also highlights the need for more clinical and supportive services. To address this need we will be breaking ground to physically expand our building to increase office space, make renovations for a brand-new medical suite, and begin a new on-site clinical program at Children’s Cove over the next year.

Historically, Children’s Cove has provided training to our local mental health providers as part of our agency’s commitment to increase the number of trauma informed professionals who can support child abuse survivors.  In the near future, we will expand our staff to include our own mental health clinicians to increase our ability to provide on-site mental health services to children most in need.

With support from the Cape and Islands legislative delegation we have increased the hours for our Pediatric Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner to adequately meet the needs of our community. As part of the new expansion and remodeling, we will have a new medical suite which will be dedicated to former District Attorney Phillip Rollins and his family to honor his legacy for championing the vision of Children’s Cove.

For 25 years, we have provided compassionate, comprehensive, and collaborative response services at no cost to survivors of child abuse through our evidence-based programs, network of community partnerships, educational outreach, and awareness efforts. Our multidisciplinary team works together to empower survivors, promote healthy outcomes, and help mitigate the stigma of child abuse. We work continuously to improve our services for child victims, and we remain committed to create a community where children are free of abuse, have a voice that is heard, and where they enjoy healthy, safe, and empowered lives.

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Removal of Statute of Limitations for Civil Claims: An Important Step

October 25th, 2022

In September President Biden signed a bill removing the federal statute of limitations for civil claims by child victims of sexual abuse. The Eliminating Limits to Justice for Child Sex Abuse Victims Act removed restrictions on all forms of child sexual abuse, including commercial sexual exploitation of children.

The neurological changes to people’s brains when they experience trauma, known as the neurobiology of trauma, played a significant role in helping legislators understand the importance of removing the statute of limitations for victims reporting childhood sexual abuse.

As trauma is better understood through scientific research, there is a greater ability to improve victim services and advocacy. From a survival perspective most people understand the common reaction to trauma is “fight, flight or freeze.” This means that when someone is experiencing fear or a perceived threat, they will respond by fighting the perceived danger, fleeing, or hiding for their safety, or in some cases freezing – the proverbial “deer in the headlights” moment. This is the biological response for how someone’s natural instincts try to protect their physical body for survival.

However, each person’s brain records and remembers the event differently as well; this is the neurological response. Some people remember all the senses -sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound that they experience, while others will remember only some of them. Other people might fixate on a singular object or sound and others will block out the experience all together. Everyone requires a different amount of time, or new perspective, to fully understand their experience.

The difference in processing trauma is why some people may not understand that their experience actually was trauma, while others understand right away. The federal legislation highlights how society is making progress in understanding the challenges that children, and adults, have surrounding stepping forward about abuse – therefore there should not be a limit when someone is ready to seek justice. We applaud this bipartisan effort and hope our lawmakers do not stop there.

After experiencing sexual abuse trauma, one of the greatest challenges a survivor faces is asking for support. Nationally only 1 in 10 child victims will disclose their abuse in their lifetime. The challenges related to the neurobiology of trauma is a significant element, however there are so many other factors. The stigma around abuse, the relationship of the perpetrator to the victim, the fear of shame, and the lack of substantive public discourse around child sexual abuse are further barriers children face when deciding to ask for help. And should a child find the strength to make the disclosure, unfortunately, there is the stress of participating in prosecution.

Our society has improved pursuing and charging perpetrators with crimes against children, but the number of cases which move forward to prosecution is relatively small. There are enormous barriers in place across the nation for children to uphold justice against their perpetrators in a meaningful way. Most often cases go to a plea agreement or are dropped altogether. There are several reasons for this, but most often it is due to the requirement in many states, including Massachusetts, that child victims are required to testify in open court in front of their alleged perpetrator. Another problem that prosecutors have can be the lack of physical medical evidence if a child discloses sexual abuse 3-5 days after it occurs.

For each of these circumstances, the age of a victim, the nature of the crime, or whether a child will be able to testify are at the discretion of the judge and prosecutor. And most of the time they will not allow a child on the witness stand if they believe that child is too young. When it comes to explaining about the lack of physical evidence at trial, most jurors do not understand, and defense attorneys exploit this for their advantage at trial.

Currently, there is minimal distinction in the court and trial system for special victims to receive care in the process of testifying. Children must face the same open court scrutiny as adults, in front of their alleged perpetrators, and anyone who wishes to be present for trial. While there are some limitations in the media reporting of these cases to protect the identify of children, in the courtroom they are still treated like adults.

We believe in the rule of law. We believe that everyone deserves the right to a fair and speedy trial and they presumption of innocence. However, we believe that although we have a system to prevent and defend against unlawful prosecution, this same system was not designed to avoid re-traumatizing victims of intimate and devastating violence and crime. We need our legislators to recognize that systems we operate continue to traumatize children, and advocate for them to take action to make the criminal and prosecutorial process more accessible to child victims while they seek complete justice.

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The Rise of Online Sexual Exploitation is Becoming the Norm

September 22, 2022

Online sexual exploitation of children remains high. In one year’s time, from 2020 to 2021, online exploitation rose by 35% and increased to more than 73% from pre-pandemic levels, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

Across our region we have seen sexual exploitation take place on computers, tablets, phones, video game consoles, school-based Chromebooks, tablets, iPads and through Apps associated with school use. The most prominent Apps where exploitation has taken place, discussed, or coordinated have been Snapchat, Discord, Facebook Messenger, Instagram, Chat Roulette, WhatsApp and Omegle. The risks abound in the online world, and it is not getting better. The bottom line is that within these particular Apps or outside of them, if a child has access to the internet, they are at risk of exploitation.

So, who is at risk? The National Center for Education Statistics  reports that in 2019, 95% of children between the ages of 3 and 18 in the United States, had access to the internet. Their access came either through a mobile device, computer, laptop / tablet, or gaming console.

Then the Covid-19 pandemic hit, which resulted in billions of dollars invested into updating internet-based systems access across the country. In addition, the purchase of internet enabled devices skyrocketed due to a surge of everyone working and attending school from home. Over the last few years, even children entering pre-school have brought electronic school tablets home.

What is troubling is that sexually explicit content on the internet has also been on the rise for several years. Child sexual abuse material, otherwise known as child pornography, is routinely observed online by teens to the point it is becoming normalized and might be overlooked by mandated reporters.

Even more troubling is that “sexting,” or sending sexually explicit text messages and images, has become a social norm for kids and teens. Sending a nude to someone is as common as passing a note was in pre-cell phone days. It is surprising to note that it is no longer a horrifying or embarrassing event when a sexual or nude photograph is sent to a group of people – the situation is now such a common occurrence there is little or no alarm. At times, these images live right in the group chat of a child’s main friend group on their phone, the place a parent would never suspect. With the virtual world regularly intertwined in the real world, dating and sexual exploration regularly resides in online spaces, with nearly no discussion of values or social norms.

This enmeshment of the online and real world has significantly limited a parent’s options of restricting internet accessible devices from their children. It is no longer feasible for a parent to think, “Well, they just won’t have a phone or a computer, that’s it.” To help protect their children, parents need to have conversations with their children about body and online safety. It is important to set ground rules for internet usage and access. And it is paramount that parents have those difficult conversations about online exploitation with their children from a very young age.

The more parents engage with their child’s online life, discussing the reality and risks, the more likely children will confide in their parents when issues arise. It is important that kids and teens know that if they make a mistake, they can have a calm non-judgmental conversation with their parents and ask for help. Children need to know that their parents will always believe in them, advocate for them and put their health and safety first. At Children’s Cove, we are here to give support to parents across the Cape and Islands.

Additionally, we want to remind to mandated reporters across the Commonwealth: if a child has had a photo or video taken of them, and they are under the age of eighteen, it is child sexual abuse material. If you have a reasonable belief or suspicion that a child has been victimized in this way, you are required to follow the reporting requirements for the state of Massachusetts. The impact of a child being victimized for their lifetime is more than enough of a reason to file a report and support them.

To learn more about the sexual exploitation of children, visit our page here.

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What are your family agreements around safety?

August 22rd, 2022

There is a lot for parents to do to keep their children healthy and safe. Beginning with newborns and baby-proofing their space, to toddlers as they begin to take their first steps – the urge to protect them is always present. When children are young, the conversations about fire safety, sharp objects, crossing roads and parking lots are constant and repeated. It is also especially important for parents to discuss body safety and personal boundaries, making sure to explain challenging concepts in ways young children may understand. The work is constant and ever changing.

As children get older, make friends, and develop more independence as young people, the focus and conversations about safety tend to taper off, though they may still pop up in instances of accidents, mistakes, gaming, online device use or dating; at a certain point however, the concepts and conversations around safety seem to fall off all together. While parents will always have concern for the safety of their children, should they assume that their children understand the rules they were taught early on and will follow them? Are parents setting rules that they also follow to set an example?

There are laws and specific rules about safety which often go ignored by well-educated and developed adults. While the reasons for this are varied, often children observe rules not being followed or come to see that “every rule has an exception.” Children are sponges and take on the traits of parents. Not only is “do as I say not as I do” a worn-out phase, it also doesn’t work. This is why the standards, practices, and agreements families create matter.

Beyond the lessons parents teach, setting family agreements for what keeps everyone safe is important. And these agreements need to be discussed and practiced regularly. An example: fire officials often recommend changing batteries for fire detectors each Spring and Fall for daylight savings time. Officials also want everyone in the house to practice their own fire drill and for the family to set a safe location to meet. Practicing these habits will allow children to know not only what do to, but how they will move their bodies and think critically in the situation. Writing this plan down, setting expectations, and talking about it when the time comes to change the fire detector batteries becomes an agreement and a habit of safety.

When we take time to think about common situations which can present risk, it can be overwhelming to try to address every situation. However, starting somewhere is better than not starting at all. There are several organizations, including Children’s Cove, which offer templates about ways to discuss family safety agreements and help set practices for families.

As school is about to begin, parents might find there are new conversations about safety which come to mind. Take the opportunity to have conversations with your children about your family safety rules.

For guidance or ideas for creating family agreements on safety, take a look at these links:

Take The Pledge to be Safe Online ( from Children’s Cove)

Creating Family Rules (from Centers for Disease Control)

Make your own Family Code of Conduct (from Darkness to Light)

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What is secondary traumatic stress?

 Let’s reduce the stigma and relieve the burden

July 15, 2022

At Children’s Cove, we work with child survivors of sexual abuse, assault, violence, and exploitation. We listen as children tell their story, and our multidisciplinary team gathers the information needed for an investigation. Coordinated care is provided to each child and their non-offending family members who may be affected by the trauma.

For every child who is a victim of crime, there’s a team of professionals from law enforcement, child protection, mental health and medical services working to support them. The trauma the survivor and their family experience is often palpable.  What is also important to note is that the effect of that trauma does not stop with the families – professionals who work in this field also experience something called vicarious trauma or secondary traumatic stress.

Vicarious trauma is when an individual, because of their work, experiences a profound shift in their worldview. This secondary traumatic stress is the emotional toll absorbed at each instance of hearing about someone else’s trauma, or talking with someone about their trauma, or witnessing someone else’s trauma after the fact. This participation in the experience of another’s trauma, even to support them, has consequences that mirrors post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

One misunderstanding about secondary trauma, and the stress felt from it, is the belief that each incident is addressed and moved past. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Secondary traumatic stress is cumulative, as each incident, each memory and each sense is touched from the experience of what you heard, how you heard, where and what you saw. It becomes a permanent impression in your mind,

Often professionals who work at child advocacy centers, law enforcement agencies, as well as those who provide emergency medical, mental health, or child protective services, recognize these experiences as an occupational hazard.  Even when this occupational hazard is identified, there is an expectation that due to the job they hold, they are a professional and should be able to process their vicarious trauma.  This very unfair expectation has created a stigma around asking for help, which creates an emotional burden with no outlet.

With no outlet, imagine each vicarious traumatic experience as a drop of water into a glass a person must carry with them everywhere. At first the weight of that glass isn’t much. But with time, more drops are collected in the glass, the weight builds, the strain grows and the burden of carrying all that water becomes too much. This is usually when the water spills over and the result can be an emotional breakdown, impulsive decision-making like quitting a job, or struggles with substance misuse, or worse.

At Children’s Cove, we believe it’s imperative that our team members are well taken care of – that we address and discuss openly vicarious trauma and secondary traumatic stress. We incorporate conversations about trauma in our interviews, staff meetings and regular supervision. Our staff regularly attends trainings on managing secondary traumatic stress and we’ve partnered with Calmer Choice to learn mindfulness skills to aid in our own self-care.

For those of you who need help decompressing to relieve secondary traumatic stress, here are a few suggestions we’d like to offer.

The first is the most important: empty your glass before it gets too heavy.

As a larger culture in our country, we have a terrible habit of going and going until we have nothing left. that doesn’t happen to work very well in these circumstances. You must find a way to empty the glass. This is typically something that you do, it’s not something that you take. It’s finding, and setting regular time for, an activity that you enjoy which makes you active, mentally, or physically. It’s taking the time to talk with a friend, and if you feel brave, talk about what you have been feeling lately.  It’s volunteering or engaging in an activity to support others you don’t see regularly. It’s reconnecting with your spirituality or faith. It’s allowing yourself permission to see a therapist.

To address the impact of secondary traumatic stress, it is vital to acknowledge that there is an emotional burden and that it is imperative to take time to heal. Making conscious choices and decisions to set time for ourselves by doing something we know replenishes our strength – either mentally, physically, or spiritually will allow us to empty that glass a little bit, to continue to carry it forward.

Remember, you matter. We matter. The roles that we all play in each other’s lives matter.

Please take care of yourselves.

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