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We Can Prevent Child Abuse Together

April 18th, 2022

In the United States, National Child Abuse Prevention Month is annually observed throughout the month of April. It is a critical time to raise awareness of our nation’s child abuse crisis. The statistics remain overwhelmingly alarming that one in four girls — and one in six boys — will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday. Most victims suffer in silence as it is estimated that more than 90 percent of abuse victims never report what happened to them. Even more disturbing is that more than 90 percent of perpetrators are someone an abused child knows and trusts – a coach, camp counselor, teacher, someone in their faith community, or a family member.

This month child safety advocates across the state and nation are urging communities to come together to make a difference. We ask that parents and caregivers “Have the Conversation” with their children, their family, and friends about sexual abuse, and begin to talk with young children about body safety. This includes which parts of their bodies are private, not to be touched by anyone, and reminding them they need to immediately tell an adult they trust if someone has touched them inappropriately. As children get older, these conversations can evolve into discussions about personal privacy, online safety, and consent. By starting these discussions when children are young, and having them often, parents and caregivers can open the gateway to communication about all types of “difficult” topics across the span of a child’s development into an adult.

If child victims disclose their sexual abuse, most often it is to a safe adult who is obligated by law to report it, and that adult is known as a mandated reporter. Mandated reporters in Massachusetts include a wide range of professionals, most notably, teachers, coaches, therapists, and guidance counselors. As the child advocacy center for Cape Cod and the Islands, we work with our multidisciplinary partners to respond to these disclosures and provide compassionate, comprehensive, and collaborative response services at no cost to survivors of child abuse. Collectively we utilize our evidence-based programs, network of community partnerships, educational outreach, and awareness efforts to empower survivors, promote healthy outcomes, and help mitigate the stigma of child abuse.

We can make a strong impact in the prevention, early recognition, and coordinated response to child sexual abuse on Cape Cod, Nantucket, and Martha’s Vineyard. We can do this by working together to help parents learn how to break the stigma of talking about child sexual abuse. Let’s teach children about body safety and foster healthy communication between children and their parents about difficult subjects.  Our community should offer regular and ongoing training for professionals who work with children to help them effectively recognize and respond to someone who may have been abused. And we can ask organizations who serve children to institute effective policies and procedures mandating such training and instituting rigorous hiring practices.

As a community, we need to provide a safe environment for all children in our public spaces, in schools and in organizations that serve children.  Our first step in achieving this level of safety is for everyone to make preventing sexual abuse a priority. For too long, sexual abuse has been a taboo subject hidden in the shadows, increasing the likelihood of the victimization of children.  It is not easy to identify a predator in the community, at work, or even in one’s home, as they are most often people we know and trust. However, we can work together to reduce the instances where that predator is able to take advantage of a child.

The more we bring these discussions to light, the closer we will be to a community where children are free of abuse, have a voice that is heard, and where they enjoy healthy, safe, and empowered lives.

If you have a concern that a child isn’t safe, or may need help, please click here to find the next steps to get someone support.

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Parents, how are you doing, really?

March 18th, 2022

Over the last few months during conversations with parents, community partners and associates, when asking how someone is, the response has been “I’m doing fine” or “I’m hanging in there” or “we’re making it.” And, in a manner of speaking those answers are pretty accurate. Think about it, no one wants to say out loud (even if it’s true) “oh, you know, white knuckling it through the day, just hoping I make it through.”

There is a special and certain kind of sacrifice parents make in life, at times being completely terrified, distraught, enraged, confused or just plain exhausted, and not feeling as though they can show it. The fear of how these emotional expressions may impact their children often has parents shoulder these burdens silently. The past two years have been filled with unprecedented events for this generation. Covid-19, economic impacts associated with loss or changes in jobs, inflation, intense political discourse, and a war raging in Europe are just some of the issues reported by media outlets and on social media 24 hours a day. For parents, all of this is amplified by the stress of figuring out how to have the dreaded “how do I talk to my kids about this?” conversation.

Over the last couple of years, Children’s Cove is one of many organizations which has offered ways parents can help navigate these discussions. There is a lot of incredible information, conversational prompts, supports and resources for children of all ages. However, there is a reason airline safety rules instruct adults to put the oxygen mask on first before helping a child: if you can’t breathe, you can’t help. If you aren’t caring for yourself, you aren’t able to care as well for your child. Let’s take a minute to talk about some ways you can take care of yourself. So, let’s start again with a different question.

Parents, how are you taking care of yourself?

Are you being compassionate and patient with yourself (and others)?

There is only so much energy a person has to give every day where you can be truly present. Accepting this is healthy – know it’s okay to have limits, that you don’t have to do everything all at once.

It’s okay if you are not able to fold that last batch of laundry.
It’s okay that dinner is going to be takeout, or microwaved, or leftovers some nights.
It’s okay that the bedtime story you read to your kids is a short one so you can quickly get it over.
Remind yourself you are human, and not perfect. Be kind and compassion to make choices to take care of yourself. Be patient with others if they need to make some of those choices too.

Are you “going down the rabbit hole?”

With access to excessive information, it can be tempting or even sometimes too easy, to “go down the rabbit hole” on a social media site, binge YouTube videos, or consume online articles about the latest issue or catastrophe. While this may be informative, interesting or a great escape, is it serving your immediate needs? Remember, you have a limited amount of time each day and where you direct your energy matters.

Have you done something just for yourself?

Practical self-care is something you do, not something you take. While the kale smoothies and health food (or carton of ice cream) can give a nice boost, true self-care is an activity you enjoy. Going for a walk, reading a book, starting a puzzle, getting out an old sketch book: something just for you. As a parent the feeling of loss of “self” is common. Over an extended period of reacting and adapting, it may be a more common feeling than you think. Rediscover something you enjoy and start again.

Are you letting your partner, spouse, or non-work friends know how you’re really doing?

Talk. Talk about how you are feeling. Be honest and have candid conversations. The more you fill up, the more likely these feelings will overwhelm you and spill out in ways you do no want them to. Schedule a call with a friend, find time to talk with your partner or spouse away from the kids or a professional who can listen supportively.

Are you sleeping enough?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who has time to sleep? While your “alone” or even “together” time is important, sleep is also important to regenerate your body, mind, and energy. A lack of sleep can lead to additional challenges, such as irritability, susceptibility to illness, forgetfulness, and challenges with mental health.

These are just a handful of suggestions to start thinking about better self-care. If you aren’t caring for yourself, you aren’t able to care as well for your child. Remember, children watch and absorb everything you do, even the stubborn teenage ones. By making time to practice self-care, you are giving yourself a better version of you and role modeling a healthy lifestyle for your children.

If you need some support as a parent, there are local resources available

• The Samaritans of Cape Cod & The Islands: 800.893.9900
• Cape Cod Family Resource Center:  508.815.5100
• Bay Cove Human Services:  833.229.2683
• Nantucket Emergency Mental Health Services: 877.784.6273
• Nantucket Family Resource Center: 508.815.5115
• Cape Cod Children’s Place:  508.240.3310
• Martha’s Vineyard Family Resource Center: 508.693.7900
• Martha’s Vineyard Mental Health crisis: 508.693.0032

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Why You Need to Have the Conversation: Children are No Match for Predators

February 22, 2022

We would prefer to think that perpetrators of child sexual abuse are easily spotted on the edges of society, people who stand out or seem uncomfortable; people we don’t know. We tell our children to not talk to strangers and remind them that if you don’t know someone in real life or online, not to share any personal information. And while these lessons are important to teach, the truth is that perpetrators of child sexual abuse are rarely the man with the van in the trench coat. In fact, they look “normal.” Studies show that 90% of victims know their abusers – they are family, close friends, teachers, daycare staff, coaches, and members of the faith community. Simply put, abusers are most often those we trust our children with on a daily basis.

Four years ago, Larry Nasser made headlines. He was a nationally known doctor for the United States women’s Olympic gymnastics team, while at the same time a serial child rapist who used his position of power and trust to sexually abuse and assault hundreds of girls and young women. Through social media and the news, millions of Americans heard from dozens of his victims and the trauma it made in their lives. Last year we discussed the more than 92,000 sexual abuse claims made against the Boy Scouts of America, and the Diocese of Fall River of the Catholic Church releasing the names and assignments of 75 clergy members accused of child sexual abuse going back 70 years. We’ve seen in recent years the harm caused by allegations of sexual abuse and inappropriate conduct of teachers in our own community.

On February 10, 2022, a child psychologist in Danvers, Massachusetts was arrested after a contractor stumbled upon a secret space in the building he resided where he allegedly kept hundreds of images of child sexual abuse material. As a part of the initial investigation, there appears to be considerable evidence of his involvement in the ownership of the material. While the presumption of innocence exists until someone is proven guilty, it is so disturbing that a child psychologist would own child pornography.

What all these cases highlight is that it is those with the most trust, power, status, or celebrity who abuse children. Perpetrators groom not only children, but the environment, parents and caregivers, neighbors, and coworkers around them. The manipulation of the predator is often why, after an initial accusation, many will respond with disbelief, and shock, even fight to defend the abuser because, if true, the deception is incredibly hurtful and horrific.

Perpetrators of abuse are cunning, smart, patient, and watch carefully and quietly; they look for vulnerable children. Vulnerability is more than just age, size, and gender identity; it’s looking to see if a child’s parents are always working, is the child getting enough attention, does a child have a disability, feel like an outcast, or do they have overly trusting parents? These are examples of what predators look for and what they consider an easy opportunity.

In recorded interviews,  perpetrators of abuse discussed very openly with Oprah Winfrey how they gained trust and took advantage of children (this video is very detailed, and disturbing, please be advised). Individuals who abuse children think differently than those who don’t. Very often, they do not believe what they are doing is wrong to the child, but that it is simply shunned by society. Corey Jewell Jensen, M.S, who has worked with sex offenders for more than 35 years, details the way in which perpetrators of abuse groom the environment, parents and children of those victimized and justify their behavior.

Unfortunately, when faced with the reality of the cunning grooming practices of predators, we need to acknowledge that young children are no match for those who seek to sexually abuse a child. This is why at Children’s Cove, we often advocate that parents “Have the Conversation.” There’s no perfect time or age to speak with your children about body safety. Instead, it should be part of regular, ongoing conversation from a child’s early years through their teens.

We talk with our children about so many important safety topics, including fire, water, street, and car safety. Let body safety be another topic you introduce. To learn more about how to have the conversation about body safety visit our page here.

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Child Trafficking Remains an Issue in Southeastern Massachusetts – 10 more points we need you to know

January 20, 2022

This article, it’s data and information included was written with input and information provided by team members from Children’s Cove, the Bristol County Children’s Advocacy Center, and the Plymouth County Children’s Advocacy Center.

In 2021, the Children’s Advocacy Centers for Cape Cod & the Islands, Bristol County and Plymouth County held response meetings and coordinated support services to nearly 300 child victims of human trafficking. In nearly 90% of these cases there was an online element related to the exploitation, meaning, the exploitation took place online OR there was specific communication, planning or exchange which took place online. Children in our communities, including Hyannis, Westport, Fall River, Hingham, Brockton, Mashpee, Plymouth, and Dartmouth, were identified as victims of sexual exploitation and human trafficking. Each of these Child Advocacy Centers (CACs) in southeastern Massachusetts work collaboratively with every branch of law enforcement and child protective services to provide a coordinated response to child trafficking. With an increasing risk to children in online spaces, we want to inform the community of the trends we have seen over the last year. This article aims to demystify the terms and issues, where these risks unfold, and what parents and caregivers in the community can do to reduce the risk of exploitation online.

1. The Definition of Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC)

Human trafficking is widely defined as “a crime that involves exploiting a person for labor, services, or commercial sex.” Massachusetts state law further defines the trafficking of children as the Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC). The CACs of Massachusetts recognize that CSEC occurs when a person under the age of 18 engages, agrees to engage, or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for a fee or an exchange of food, shelter, clothing, education, or care. Child sexual abuse material (child pornography) can also be considered a form of trafficking.

2. Online Exploitation is More than Just a Photo

Often, when people hear the term online exploitation, they may think it is solely referring to the sending or receiving of nude images of individuals under 18. Correctly, yes, that is a form of online exploitation where a child’s image can then be captured and sold, traded, or shared indefinitely on the internet. However, Child Sexual Abuse Material can be far more than that. Once a child has discovered the person has saved the image, they may be manipulated, threatened or exploited to produce more (often increasingly graphic) images or ultimately meet in person where they become physically exploited. The person receiving the image may be receiving some type of financial gain from their exploitation, or use it to trade with other exploiters. The shame, embarrassment and fear children feel upon learning the person they are engaging with online is not the person they claimed to be reduces the instances where they will ask for help from a trusted adult. What can start as one single image can quickly spiral out of control to a place they never would have found themselves otherwise.

3. Exchange is Something of Value to the Child, Not Everyone

So often parents and professionals alike only think of an exchange being money. Money is the least often exchanged item of value for children who are victimized. And, as a reminder, an exchange does not need to take place, only be offered. Digital assets and currencies in video games and mobile apps as well as substances not regularly available to children (such as nicotine products including vapes) have rapidly increased as items of value in our region. At times, something more personal is what is desired or valued; someone being their boyfriend or girlfriend, going to a party together they would never be invited to otherwise, etc. The feeling of being wanted, socially accepted, and loved is often the “exchange” or tool exploiters use most.

4. No Type of Access is “Safe”

If a child has access to an internet connection, they are at risk of exploitation. Across our region we have seen exploitation take place on parents’ computers, tablets and phones, as well as their own tablets, computers and phones. We also have seen exploitation take place on video game consoles, on school-based Chromebooks, tablets, and iPads and through apps associated with school use. Often, the fear or anxiety associated with risks for exploitation are when a child receives their own mobile phone. If parents and caregivers don’t keep their eyes on these devices and have regular conversations about safety on all internet enabled devices the opportunity for exploitation to happen in plain sight remains high.

5. The Top Culprits in the Digital World

Children can access nearly an unlimited number of apps, social media profiles, email accounts, and online exchanges such as CashApp, PayPal, and Venmo. These apps keep the evidence of exploitation hidden behind a mobile or internet-based device. If parents aren’t involved and regularly monitoring their children’s apps and internet enabled devices, this may be happening right in the same room. Staying up to date with what is trending in the digital world is as important for caregivers as it is for the youth who use them.

Over the last year the most prominent apps where exploitation has taken place, or has been discussed or coordinated were Snapchat, Discord, Facebook Messenger, Instagram, Chat Roulette, WhatsApp and Omegle. For parents and caregivers, understanding how these apps work, discussing safety rules online for these apps, and having your children show you how they use and access them is a good place to start. For resources about apps, how they are used, check out the parent resources on the Internet Matters website.

6. Apps on the Rise and Not Thought About

While the apps listed above have been a focus of issues and investigations over the last year, we are increasingly seeing more issues in newer apps. With TikTok being the most searched and rapidly growing social media and video sharing network since 2020, it has attracted everyone to its platform young and old alike. Children as young as 9 and 10 years old have found themselves in dangerous situation on the platform and as it has become more commonplace, parents and caregivers may have gotten more relaxed about safety associated with this app. This has also translated to video livestreaming apps and platforms like Facetime, Zoom, Skype, or messenger apps which allow livestreaming. Kids and teens may begin a streaming call with the belief that because it is happening in real time it cannot be captured or recorded, when in fact screen shots, sharing and recording is easier now more than ever. And, due to the nature of the streaming, there would be no record on behalf of the streaming service of what took place if it was recorded by a third-party app. Even apps designed specifically for kids and teens with safety in mind, such as Yubo, are targets for online predators and exploiters to infiltrate for the very fact it is supposed to be safe.

7. Exploitation is Normalized and Often Missed

“Sexting,” or sending sexually explicit text messages and images, has become a social norm for kids and teens. With the virtual world regularly intertwined in the real world, dating and sexual exploration regularly resides in online spaces. Sending a nude image to someone a child is interested in is as common as passing a note was pre-cell phone days. However, because of the commonality of it, the desensitization and normalization of one’s nude image is devalued. What was once a horrifying and embarrassing event of a sexual photograph or nude being sent to a group of people is now a common occurrence to little or no alarm. At times these images live right in the group chat of your child’s main friend group on their phone, the place you would never suspect would be an issue.

8. Prevention is Possible

When reading this list or learning about online exploitation, the first reaction for parents and caregivers is often “well, they just won’t have a phone or a computer, that’s it.” That is as realistic as saying a teen can’t have a car because some people drive recklessly, can’t play sports because of injuries, or go to parties because some people drink. The online and digital world is where most children learn, socialize, and engage. The same conversations about safety which are used for driving, sports and parties need to take place about being online. As a parent, you can have conversations with your children about body and online safety. You can set ground rules for internet usage and access. You can have the difficult conversations about online exploitation with your children and start when they are young. The more engaged you are with a child’s online life and the reality and risks; the more likely they will be to talk with you about issues they have.

9. Leave the Door Open

Even if you do have these conversations with your children, there is always the lingering fear from kids and teens if they mess up and tell you they will get in trouble. We know kids and teens will mess up, and we most definitely would like to take their phones and encase them in concrete and send them to the bottom of the ocean. However, what’s most important is that they know that your door is open for a calm, non-judgmental conversation so that if they do make a mistake, they can ask for help. If they do make a mistake or make a report that something happened to them: believe them, advocate for them, and focus on their health, wellness and safety with support from your local CAC.

10. If Your Child is Exploited Online

Remain calm, and don’t take quick action such as deleting images or messages; these may be important to effectively report and get help. Identify how, when and where this happened, where the images are now and who may have them (do not view them), and what app or platform (messenger, Snapchat, Kik, etc.) it was on? Contact your local police department, and you can reach out to your local Children’s Advocacy Center and ask what steps to take next. The National Center for Missing Children (NCMEC) has an incredible resource for parents to walk through how to have content removed from all major platforms in a streamlined process. If you see or suspect child sexual abuse material online or on social media, you can report it to NCMEC through their Cyber Tipline. You don’t need to know who an exploiter is; he or she can be unknown to you – what’s important is that you make the report.

If you have concerns that a child is being exploited, please report suspicious behaviors to your local CAC, law enforcement agency or file a report with the Department of Children and Families. All of these cases are screened and reviewed with a focus on safety in our community. If you are unsure of where to seek support, or what next steps to take, visit our Get Help page for more information.

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Mindfulness and Compassion for the Holidays

December 21, 2021

The holiday season is in full swing with colder weather, glowing lights, candles burning, music playing and treats finding their ways into homes, offices, and shared spaces. Holiday cards are exchanged, gatherings organized, elves sit on shelves, and eggnog is found in grocery stores once again.

The winter holiday season is a glowing beacon of hope and togetherness amongst family, friends, and the community. However, it can also be an intrusive reminder of desperation, loss, and feeling isolated, especially for those who have experienced trauma. And, due to the nature of trauma, the impacts are very rarely isolated to a single person. The ripple effect extends outward to parents, caregivers, siblings, neighbors, co-workers and more. Whether it is a recent trauma, or one from long ago, the effects are different for everyone.

Perhaps the holidays bring a reminder of a loved one lost, the unspoken absence of an abuser at the dinner table, or memory of a trauma experienced on the day itself. While everyone else is singing carols or toasting the season, the feeling of being “different” can often compound, creating a heightened sense of isolation or worse.

So, what to do?

We asked Manny Marrero, a mental health occupational therapist, yoga, mindfulness, and mediation instructor who works at Cape Cod Hospital in the Centers for Behavioral Health, to give us insight on how to manage the consequences of trauma during the holidays. Here’s Manny’s guidance:

It is also important to practice self-care during this season. Parents, caregivers, and partners often take on the frustration, anger, sadness, and disappointment of their loved ones feeling of loss, trauma, and grief. To support children and loved ones in the holiday season, you must make self-care a priority.

Carve out time for yourself, identify what is going to make you happy and help you relax. Do not put this off! Self-care practices are often the first to go after what can be even a minor inconvenience. Identify at least one healthy activity that calms you down, releases anxiety or frustration, and do your best to practice it daily. Double doses of self-care are recommended. Talk with your partner, family, or friends about what you look forward to in the holiday season and find something you know will bring you joy.

Care for yourself, for your loved ones, and for others. It was the compassion of Cindy Lou Who which made the Grinch stop, reflect, and realize that he was feeling something other than anger. And that made all the difference.

Happy Holidays from all of us at Children’s Cove

For additional tips, lessons, guided meditations, and mindfulness exercises, visit Manny’s YouTube channel here.

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Let’s Talk About Porn

November 16, 2021

The way that porn has evolved from the days of magazines tucked away in bedrooms to the internet is more damaging than you think. The reality of today is that pornography is far too common, free, and accessible as well as incredibly extreme, often filled with illegal and exploitative material. What used to be limited to adult book and video stores is now accessibly 24 hours a day by any device connected to the internet. The reality is that the porn industry is just a few clicks away from a child.

According to Quartz media, the online pornography industry is an estimated $15 billion industry, which makes it more profitable that Netflix ($11.7 billion), Hollywood ($11.1 billion) or Viacom ($13.3 billion). What is even more surprising is a survey from the American Psychology Association that reported the average age for a child’s exposure to online pornography is 13 years old.

A startling research article from 2016 identified that over 65% of 13-24-year-old males and nearly 35% of 13-24-year-old females were viewing pornography at least monthly. And, in that same study less than half of parents surveyed believed their children viewed pornography. Additionally, children under the age of 10 years old make up more than 20% of visitors to internet pornography websites.

The issue of exposure is massive, and the intentional act of showing a child pornography is sexual abuse by definition. As a Child Advocacy Center, we are concerned about the availability of porn increasing the risk of children being victimized in-person or online. However, it’s incredibly difficult to limit the exposure of children to an increasingly sexualized social media space, and the bombardment of teens of normalizing online exploitation of their own bodies.

Over the years, we have seen an increase in scary trends. “Sexting,” or sending sexually explicit text messages and images, has become a rapidly growing social norm for kids and teens. The rise of Sugardaddy and Sugarbaby websites are waiting for children the day they turn 18, and OnlyFans accounts and websites have an age verification system on par with a “click here.” Children are being inundated with social media personalities selling their images every day. Media plays a large role in reinforcing this behavior in children. The nuances of adult versus child exploitation are fading away.

At Children’s Cove, we hope to support parents and caregivers in normalizing some of these uncomfortable and too uncommon conversations. We need to talk about the one topic we haven’t brought up much: porn. “Why?” you may ask, especially when we have already discussed child sexual abuse material quite often, and the ways in which exploitation impacts children. You might think that porn is seemly something which may fall outside of our wheelhouse. Many moons ago that may have been the case, however, the trends and root causes of issues which do fall into our work brings porn closer to front and center than we would like it to be.

As the normalization of violent, extreme, and casual porn continues, or at the bare minimum self-exploitation of one’s own body being a non-issue, we will be witnessing increasing challenges of preventing younger and younger children from exposure.

But it doesn’t have to be like this.

Having conversations with children about what lurks on the internet is incredibly important. And talking about it in a factual way and being open to having conversations about what children may see accidentally is a necessary step of parenting in the increasingly digital world. Last year a documentary was released chronicling two parents from New Zealand who decided to learn about this issue, tackle it, and share it with other parents. A trailer to their feature film is linked here. And, the National Center on Sexual Exploitation has written a wonderful article about how to have conversations with children if you do find that they have been viewing porn, and how to approach it in a way to benefit your family.

We encourage all parents to #HaveTheConversation with their children early and often, about body safety and about online safety. To read some of our suggestions of how to be smart and safe online, visit that section on our parent’s page here.

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